Mal-3 (Bernard Hill) is a disgraced planetary scientist. After one too many rejections by the academic establishment, he vows that he'll show them all! Even if he has to reduce North America to the consistency of talcum powder in the process! To this end he has recruited maniacal and psychopathic exmilitary man Damocles (Matthew McConaughey), Damocles' top assassins Aris_TGD (Michelle Yeoh) and keebler (Jack Black), and evil hacker god ph4nyx (Johnny Depp) to assist in his evil plans. The army of mutant fruitbats doesn't hurt, either.
The only ones capable of standing up to Mal-3 are the Continent's Finest Team, super-powered Miss Liberty (secretly mild-mannered romance novelist katster (Miranda Otto) and Zibblsnrt (Christian Bale), the newest incarnation of the Spirit of Canada. They will be aided by...
Shadur (Max von Sydow) is a defrocked priest turned international jewel thief with a heart of gold. He steals stuff for the Lord, and he's the only one who can get to the critical element of Mal-3's Doomsday Machine before the fruitbats.
aio (Pam Grier) is Shadur's nemesis, a Kung-Fu Voodoo avenger of the night, sworn to track down her prey and make them face the full penalty of the Law.
Gandalf (Viggo Mortensen) is aio's contact in the police force, a bitter, burned-out cop on the edge.
jabowah (Sean Astin) is Gandalf's partner, a naive by-the-book rookie detective.
DamienRoc (Tobey Maguire) is a young, up-and-coming hacker who stumbles on the insidious plan of Mal-3.
Calculus (Billy Boyd) is DamienRoc's mentor, an older, more powerful Hacker God with a hidden agenda.
Prophet4 (Nicolas Cage) is the World's Greatest Fighter Ace, a former Buddhist monk with a dark secret in his hidden past, he takes on the fruitbat armadas with only a broken-down Sopwith Camel.
Thorin (Ian Holm) is the Canadian Intelligence agent assigned to keep an eye on the superpowered duo, and (naturally) is the one to betray them to Mal-3 at the right moment.
Sev (Clint Eastwood) is Zibblsnrt's old sensei, once the greatest Surrealist Ninja on the planet, now a burned-out and cynical advocate for furry rights. Can Zibblsnrt manage to convince his old friend to hang up the fursuit and put on the tie-dyed ninja outfit once more?
Tangaroa (Sala Baker) is a Catholic priest sent out to bring Shadur back into the fold. He was trained in the ancient arts of Kicking Ass in the name of Jesus, and is deadlier than any five men (and any fifty mutant fruitbats) except for Damocles.
KillJoy (Randy Quaid) was an ordinary trucker until the fruitbats came and destroyed his meager posessions. Now, riding a heavily-armed motorcycle made from the wreckage of his Peterbilt truck, KJ wages a one-man war against the marauding airborne mammals.
Primis (Bruce Campbell) used to be the greatest sports writer on the planet, until the drugs began to take hold. Holed up in his desert hideaway, he'll aid the heroes - once convinced that they're not creations of a paranoid dementia - by giving them plenty of potent hallucinogens and guns. Lots of guns. Hallelujah.
Underneath the waves, grizzled sub commander NickM (Harrison Ford) and his green, by-the-book executive officer William (Matt Damon) await orders from President J-Rock (cameo appearance by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin) to unleash utter and total thermonuclear heck on the enemies of the United States.
And above it all, the mysterious presence known as ChanServ (CGI, voice by Avery Brooks) watches, looking for a worthy soul to bestow the mighty powers of "plus oh."
When these titans collide, they could only call it...
ULTIMATE FINAL WAR
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Produced by: P.J. & Sam Rami
SFX: Weta Workshop/Digital
Original Score by: Hans Zimmer
Written by: Malaclypse the Seeker
SUMMER 2006Back to Mal's Writing Corner