Christians are uptight
(Originally titled "I Hate Everything You Stand For")
by Reverend Sean M. Breen
Online Editor, South Coloradan

[note: This was in response to a letter to the editor that criticized an 
editorial cartoon we ran about Christian ministers.]

Dear Amiee Hamilton,

I guess I don't understand something here.  You're upset that we ran a 
cartoon that portrayed Christians as, in your own words, "a bunch of 
Bible-thumping loudmouths waiting for any opportunity to smack you on 
the head with the Bible, and then pray for you."  Well, Aimee, in the oh-
so-humble opinion of this lil' old pagan, Christians *are* a bunch of Bible-
thumping loudmouths that wait to smack me on the head with the Bible, 
and then pray over me.

I don't understand why Christians are so damned uptight about their 
religion.  I constantly hear that the Protestant Christian is a persecuted 
minority, or "mocked," as you so eloquently put it.  Why, Christians are 
so much of a minority, they must make up as little as 75 percent of the 
population, and 99 percent of the nation's representatives!

You complain that some of your professors and your classmates mock 
your God.  Well, Aimee, the Christian God *deserves* to be mocked!  I 
cannot think of a more worthy religion to mock than Christianity.  It is a 
diseased faith, one that places sacrifice ahead of love, guilt and sin 
ahead of joy and real faith.

Oh, incidentally, Aimee, you say, "I never hear people mocking any of 
the other religions that claim we're all gods or that God is in every little 
thing."  Well, you may be too young and innocent to understand this, but 
Christians don't mock people like me, they *burn* them.  You see, my 
religion is classified by the Christians of the world as "witchcraft" or 
"Satanic."  So, when I get unpopular enough, your people will get 
together and throw a bonfire -- with me as the guest of honor.  Along with 
any Jews, Muslims, atheists and other assorted infidels they might 
happen by along the way.

You say you want to spread the truths about Christianity.  So do I.  
Christians have been the root cause of more suffering than any other 
single god of antiquity.  From the Crusades to the Inquisition, from the 
Burning Times to the wholesale slaughter of the Native Americans, from 
the slave trade to segregation, your faith has been the justification of 
thousands of murderers, thieves, and despots worldwide.

I could fill an entire newspaper with the crimes your people have 
committed against the innocents of the world, Aimee.  But I don't have 
the time or the patience to do so.  I think I'll leave you with this little 
quote from your holy book, Gideon version:

"'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, wife 
and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot 
be My disciple." (Luke 14:26)

Is that really the kind of god you want to have complete reign over your 
life?

Think it over.