Operation: Pacifica, Magenta Tide by Malaclypse the Seeker (mrfnord@rmii.com) "Button your asshole, George. We're in for a fight." --Hagbard Celine ABOARD THE SUBMARINE _LUVWARRIOR 5_ "Helm, are we in range yet?" "Just about, Cap'n. Another five minutes." "Stuuuuupeeeennndoouuus! We'll teach those Jihaddi jackasses to mess with the power of Lord Barney!" Admiral Kenny, B'harnate Navy, spun around in his swivel seat. Kenny's round, almost HellWyrm-chubby face shone with delight. He had worn his special uniform for this; a striped t-shirt with his epaulets, tight plasticised leather shorts, and a big purple tricorne hat. His high-pitched, rapid voice seemed to come out faster than his lips moved. All in all, Kenny looked, sounded, and acted like a psychotic nine-year-old. Admiral Kenny was actually 38 years old. The spoungin sat back in his chair, thinking wonderful thoughts about how Lord Barney would praise him for wiping out the Jihaddi fleet. He hoped he'd get a promotion to Sub-Chief Stooge.... ***MEANWHILE*** DTT _AUGUSTUS CAESAR_ 1000 HOURS #"Jade," Yoko Kanno, _Macross Plus Original Sountrack_ Ah, the Pacific Ocean. So blue and tranquil at this time of year. But just between you, me, and the lamppost, it was driving me out of my mind with boredom. I was sitting on the deck of the transport Augustus Caesar, where I was partly reading a few things on a palmtop, and partly dozing, when a gentle "ahem" startled me out of my reverie. I looked up to see Captain Beaureguard Fredricks, the Caesar's skipper, standing a few feet away. Capain Fredericks was a quiet gentleman of the old school, and in the few days I had known him, he kept me wondering how and why he had joined up with the merry band of lunatics that made up our beloved Jihad. "Hullo, Cap'n," I said lazily, "just enjoying the view, or sleeping, whichever is more interesting. Care to join me?" "Not at the moment, Professor. There's a... situation on the bridge. I'd like your opinion on the matter." That wasn't good. A "situation" usually meant trouble, and trouble always meant some sort of high-entropy mayhem. I scrambled to my feet and followed the captain to the bridge. As we entered, the radio began squwaking about a really nasty airborne furball some miles north of us. "I take it that," I jabbed a thumb at the radio, "is the situation?" Fredricks looked grim. "Yes, that's the situation. Apparently a recon flight spotted a spoungin naval fleet approaching us. It sounds like the flight managed to run into some trouble along the way. There's been no word from flag as to our course of action. Your opinion, Professor?" "Hrm... well, we should be safe enough here. We're at the end of the convoy, after all. They'll have to go through--" Just then the Caesar heeled hard to port and vibrated like it had been hit with the Mother of All Sledgehammers. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" cried the captain. "What was that!?" "Torpedo hit to starboard, sir!" replied the bridge officer. "Moderate damage, but repairable. Engineer's getting a crew on it now. No casualties." "Good, good. Keep me informed." ... "REPORT!" "Admiral Kenny sir! LuvWarriors One and Two have been eliminated by Jihaddi subhunters! All others are still ready for the attack!" "Very well. Do we have any confirmed hits?" "Yessir, one, to one of the transports. She's badly damaged, looks like a sitting duck." "Yessss... Have all subs move for an attack run on the damaged transport. Fire at will." "Yes, Admiral Kenny sir!" Kenny sat back in his chair. This was going to be *so* much fun.. ... "Dammit dammit *dammit!*" I muttered as the Caesar's crew moved around me, tending to their ailing ship. "Just when I thought I'd be able to relax for a second before the mission, shit like this happens! It never fails, first time in months I can take a break, all hell breaks loose!" Fredricks looked up from the last of his counsels with his junior officers. "Well, the bad news is we'll have to return to port to complete repairs. The good news is we *can* get back to port. Provided nothing else goes against us, anyway." "Famous last words," I grumbled. "Does flag know about our problems?" "Yes, Professor. Flag says that they've taken out two spoungin submarines, but they're not sure that was all of them. Subhunters are still looking, and we're advised to keep our eyes peeled." I was just about to say "peeled for *what?*" when the ship shuddered again, this time as multiple sledgehammers slammed into and bounced off the hull. "Goddammit! Not again!" ... Kenny was beside himself with glee. "Whee!" he cried. "Report!" "Admiral Kenny sir! Three torpedo hits, two duds, and one live. We've got that transport now!" "Excellent! Continue the attack! Oooh, Lord Barney will give me a medal for *this!*" ... The ship rang like a bell, signaling the impact of another spoungin torpedo. Captain Fredericks clung to the wheel. "Professor," he said tersly, "I've heard stories about you--" "I deny them. Categorically." "--and if you have any idea on how to get these subs off us, now's the time." I paused for a second, mind racing. Did I have something? Goddess knows I had enough stuff in my duffel bag to lay waste to a small city. But most of it was useless in and under the water. There were a few mines, but nothing that any self-respecting sub commander wouldn't avoid.. Except... Maybe... Bingo. "Keep us steady, Cap'n," I said, a slow smile coming across my face. "I'll be right back." I dashed off the bridge to the starboard railing. Looking over, my Spidey-Sense(tm) gave me a fairly clear idea of where the subs were. They "looked" like they were coming in for another attack run. This was going to be close. I opened the duffel, rooting around for the mines, and a little something extra. I quickly located the mines, and laid them out on the deck. The... other stuff... was a little harder to get out, since there were some security features involved in removing it. What I finally pulled out was a small box filled with miniturized holoprojecting equipment. The box was lead-lined, and labled DANGER: SPONGIFYING MATERIAL: USE LEVEL 3 PRECAUTIONS IN HANDLING. I grinned. In order to set a trap, you need bait, and what better bait for a spoungin than Hellwyrm propaganda? I strapped a holoprojector to one of the mines, set the projector to activate in ten seconds, armed the mine, and tossed the whole shebang overboard. ... ABOARD _LUVWARRIOR 3_ "Cap'n! Somebody just threw something overboard that transport!" "Well, Ensign? What is it?" "Sir, it looks like--" o/~ I luv you, you luv me... o/~ The entire crew squealed "BARNEY!" as the Luv Chant echoed tinnily through the submarine. They sat entranced as the pilot drove the sub towards the source of the sound, a vision of B'harne drifting through the water, arms open to give a hug. LuvWarrior 3 ran straight into the embrace, nailing the mine hidden in the holoprojection a second later. ... It took a minute for the reaction I was hoping for. I could see it in my mind's eye; a holo-HellWyrm unfolding around the mine, sound system broadcasting the Chant under the water, the sub going to meet their master, and then-- **KA-FOOM** --a geyser of water, oil, and debris shot up, throwing the remains of the unfortunate sub. Direct hit. Sometimes it seems too easy. I tossed the rest of the mines overboard and waited... ... "What happened to Three!?!" cried Admiral Kenny. "I... I don't know, sir!" stammered the spoungin XO. "They just took off and--" o/~I luv you, you luv me... o/~ Just like LuvWarrior 3, the crew became entranced and followed the siren spell of the Luv Chant right into "B'harni's" waiting arms. Kenny sat transfixed at the sound of his master's voice. Suddenly he shook his head and yelled out. "Waitaminute! That's not Barney!" But it was too late... ... I ran back to the bridge. "The subs are history, Cap'n," I announced. "How bad are we doing?" Fredricks shook his head. "We're not doing well. The pumps aren't keeping up with the damage, I'm afraid. We'll have to abandon ship." "How long?" "About twenty minutes, perhaps not that much." I sighed. Dammit to hell... "Somebody get the Sea Spider on the horn. We're going to need to evacuate." TBC